


subsist on a steady diet of shame

by smallredboy



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gay Johnny Cade, Homophobic Language, Huddling For Warmth, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 04:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20420042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: One morning I woke up earlier than usual. Johnny and I slept huddled together for warmth--- Dally had been right when he said it would get cold where we were going.Or, one of the nights Johnny and Ponyboy slept huddled together, from Johnny's point of view.





	subsist on a steady diet of shame

**Author's Note:**

> i just finished the outsiders and i spat this out real quick because whoo boy am i emo over johnny.
> 
> title from _truckers are the blood_ by ajj.
> 
> also for trope-bingo with the square "huddle for warmth"
> 
> enjoy!

Johnny doesn’t mean to  _ not  _ fall asleep, really. If it was for him, he would’ve been asleep several hours, not considering his fate and his life and how everything is so  _ stupid _ and how he’s, right now, huddled right next to Ponyboy Curtis.

It’s several hours of him staring at Ponyboy, or at least it feels like hours. He’s got such a young face, such a young everything— he shouldn’t be here with him. He should be with Darry and with Soda, being a carefree fourteen-year-old. He shouldn’t be a greaser, he shouldn’t have ran away with him to escape the police. And yet he is.

He can’t help but want something out of Ponyboy. Maybe he’ll go crazy in these four walls, in this church, in this tiny village they’re hiding away from everything in. Maybe he’ll go insane, maybe he’ll break a thing or two as he screams about how he’s a good-for-nothing faggot. And Ponyboy would run away from him and how disgusting he is if it wasn’t for the fact they’re all alone in the world right now. It’s just him and Pony against the world, with the occasional visit from Dally and it all hurts.

He wishes he was with Dally. He wishes he could wrap his arms around him and bury his face on his toned chest and try really, really hard not to cry, even as his emotions overwhelm him. Greasers feel too much, but they still aren’t supposed to cry on the chest of their very best friend, of their something more, of the man he looks up to the most.

Dally and him have, of course, never done anything. They’re too scared to. Fear is not a word that applies to Dally, not really, but Johnny overflows with it all the time. Ever since he got assaulted, well— it’s hard not to be scared. The words were all mostly about his social standing, of course, but there were still all those guesses that were all too right. Fairy, faggot, look at this queer he’s not even gonna fuckin’ fight back. There were five, six of those socs, how was he supposed to fight back? That’s how one gets killed. That’s how one sees red and kills someone.

He wonders if he’ll spend the rest of his life in this church. Maybe he’ll have to throw caution to the wind at one point. Maybe he’ll just say fuck it and kiss Pony like the world’s going to end. But ever since three days ago, the world has been ending, the apocalypse has been settling into his bones and his entire body is on fire with the need to do  _ something _ .

They’re all outcasts, but he knows being a fag is a little too much of an outcast. Even for greasers, even for hoods. He can almost see Darry beating him up, have you been touching my little brother you fucking freak—

He represses a shudder and wraps an arm around Ponyboy. It really is cold in the church— he has an excuse, a reason, something for why he’s cuddling up next to him. The church floor is cold as all hell, it wrapping him up in its eternal winter and leaving him no option but to wrap his arms around Ponyboy.

It’s not like he initiated it, okay? It’s not like that. It’s not like he’s forcing himself on Pony. God no. Pony had been stammering on the cold, wrapping his hands around himself, trying to keep as much body heat in as possible— he was in a similar position, until Ponyboy turned around and gave him a weak-willed smile, his eyes still glinting and gleaming with something. Perhaps with hope. And he had suggested it, that it would help them warm up. 

Johnny had his face go scarlet with shame and nervousness, but he had complied. Of course he had complied— with a boy as pretty as Pony, how could one possibly resist the invitation to wrap his arms around him, try and sleep with him in his arms? He was weak-willed, and he was afraid, and he was terrified of the possibility of this leading him into doing something utterly stupid, but he had still agreed.

He sighs and closes his eyes, trying not to think about that soc bleeding out because of him, trying not to think about Dally’s stupid smile and that dangerous glint in his eyes, trying not to think about the way Ponyboy’s voice meddled right into his thoughts, the way he read Gone with the Wind to him, so careful not to trip around the words as he rested his head on his thigh, watching him ever so carefully.

The sleep he gets is fretful, worried, filled with dread, but it’s the best he’ll get, he knows that much.


End file.
